Yes. Yes, I am Crazy...

http://www.photographybyantonia.com

I frequent several message boards. Figure Skating - I'm a mod at one of the larger ones, Disney Travel, and until the other day pugs were all on my list. All come with their share of headaches. As a moderator those headaches are daily. The Disney board I am a member of is the easiest one, though people get heated on there about what resort is best and so forth (it's actually teh most sane MB I've ever been a part of). The pug boards I've been on are probably the most... difficult.

You see, there are dog owners and lovers that have very drastic differences in viewpoints on what their dog is and what dogs should be to all people. It's like the Michelle Kwan vs all of skating debates multiplied by a million in terms of hostility.

Rescue is the biggest deal.

Don't get me wrong not only do I support rescue, but all but one of the pugs in our family are rescues. Here in lies the problem. I do not have a dog I "rescued", I bought my dog. From a backyard breeder. Uneducated about such things.

I am to be shamed.

Or am I? I've learned a lot in the last 9 years, not only about the breed but about rescue and backyard breeders, puppy mills, etc. If and when I lose Yuka, I have no clue where I will go as the pug rescue here is rarely in need of adoptees, and I can't limit myself to a waiting list. Respectable breeders are expensive... but we'll cross that bridge when that comes. I'm hoping I still have many years with Yuka left.

But that brings me to the point that had me questioning my sanity. I've left a board in the last few days because I was just tired. I was tired of the bullying that is felt when my views on dogs weren't just questioned but were just "wrong" and therefore I am a horrible person.

Look, the fact of the matter is, I like to have a well trained dog. Yuka can do the basic sit, stay, etc, but what I really appreciate is that she goes outside to do her business 99% of the time. the 1% is only now that she's older and she doesn't always realize she's going (and thankfully someone is normally here most of the day so she can go out regularly). Pugs are trainable, but they're stubborn and set in their ways. Many of the posters that think I'm cruel have more lax of rules. They have areas in their house that they allow their dogs to mess in. This is completely unacceptable to me.

Which led to the reason that I have sworn off these boards from here on out. There was a "bash the selfish" type thread that suggested that those that want to rescue or have young dogs were crazy. I guess if I were to rescue a dog I would be in this crazy group. A younger dog is easier to retrain in the potty department. Considering that my first encounter with rescue was a four year old male pug that hadn't been potty trained and spent the next six years marking and pottying wherever he wanted in teh house. We did our best to keep it from happening but he did it. Sorry, again, I find it unacceptable. He was not a bad dog, he just was so used to not having to go outside that he didn't. He tried, he really did, but at the end of the day he found someplace discreet to go in.

I mentioned my reasons. Told I was wrong. And then got a PM from a member saying she pittied Yuka because when she got "old" I would consider her a throwaway dog and that the poor Anchorage rescue would get a sweet and loving old girl. I left, and I won't be back for this reason.

Yuka is MINE. She has been mine since the day I picked her up in Feb of 2003 when she was five weeks old. I freak if she's out of my sight, I have nightmares of losing her, and now that she's nearly nine years old it terrifies me to think she's become a senior pug and that means I only have a few years left. She's spunky, sassy, and a total brat, and I love her. There are tons of things in her training that if I'd known then what I know now I'd have done it differently. But, I wouldn't trade her for all the puppies in the world.

A dog is mine forever. It doesn't matter if I'm moving - a lot of decisions I made/make is based on if she can be with me or not. It doesn't matter if I were to get married and have kids - she's with me. She's not disposable.

What is disposable is the holier than thou attitude of uber rescues who bully their beliefs on others. I've seen them run off or even scare people from going that route (or even leaving their dogs in a rescue's care when there is no alternative for fear they will be lumped in with all the other irresponsibles... really, military families have enough crap to deal with, show some compassion).

So I'm done. I see that several folks from these boards have visited in the last few days, I'm normally not a fan of people airring their MB dirty laundry, but I don't want people to have the impression that my dog is disposable. Yuka is with me until the day one of us leaves this life for the next.

I've got the blahs...

I don't know if it's work - which is a job, not a passion... yet again - or the living situation drama, or the hermit lifestyle I've led these last six years or so... but I just have been in this set pattern of blahs. Aside from vacations to Disney... and the Iditarod... I really haven't had much to look forward to or get excited about. It's frustrating, but at the same time I'm just not enthusiastic about changing the situation either. It could be laziness, or maybe I just don't give a real care to change. I look around me and all of these people are so much better at what we do, have these amazing families - which yes I know have their own trials, tribulations and moments of discontentedness - and I can't help but feel like I'm still stuck where I was in 2003, the only difference is back then I had a whole world of possibilities... now, nothing. I'm in that rut, I've gone back to the one place I promised myself I wouldn't go. And I'm just. UGH!

I don't understand why I am this way. I don't understand why I can't take the bull by the horns. Why I can't seem to even make a sale in my job or with photography! I just feel very inept. I have Two Years before I'm old enough to attend a high school reunion but what will I have to show for it? I'll be the loser on the corner. And not even a good kind of loser.


So, yeah, I have the blahs. And I'm tired of people saying "look on the bright side" quoting a Bible verse or saying "it'll get better" and then tell me their lifestory. Because, honestly, I don't care. I don't want a comforting word. I don't want a "pick me up." I just want to vent, and when I vent I don't want someone to answer back. I just want to scream and hear the lonely echo. So let me do that.

and, yes, this was taken right outside my door. Gonna miss this sight.

And so this post isn't a total loss, let me add a photo.

What I did on Christmas Vacation

Christmas was spent in Anchorage. After working all day on Thursday I drove my truck behind my dad. Duane rode with me as I was incredibly nervous driving in the dark on winter roads. It wasn't too bad, but we were definitely driving on ice in parts where I hated it.

Christmas was great. The family was all together and we had a lot of laughs and food. I love getting together with the whole gang. Louisa and Jim came down and Louisa's mom was up visiting from Washington so it was crowded, which made it even better. Christmas Eve Haille and Juanita came into town so it was one big happy family in Judy and Gaylord's small little house. Couldn't have been happier.

Christmas day was at the G'parents. It was great, and once again it was full! Carolyn and her friend came by so it was just like old times. Lots of new memories for the kids, and lots more laughter for the rest of us.

Then the day after Christmas the fun ended. We were on our way out of town, going to stop by the g'parents to say good bye and I ended up wrecking the truck. Duane, Yuka and I are all fine, no worries there. I hit a patch of ice going way slower than the speedlimit and I was able to correct the car out of the spin but not out of the slide and I ended up crunching the driver's front fender... and the tire blew... and now they're finding tons more wrong with it so it looks like the truck will be totalled and I'll be out of a vehicle. Because my life sucks like that right now.

So the four of us plus three dogs rode home in Dad's truck. Monday mom drove her van over and so I am driving that for the time being, but we can't have that forever. So who knows what's going to happen with that. More expenses just keep piling up and I have no way to pay for any of them! UGH! Tuesday mom's car wouldn't start so my boss had to come rescue me and take me into work... and my best friend found out she needed surgery. To say this week has been a crapfest would be an understatement.

So that's how I spent the last week. How was yours?