You seem angry, are you okay?

I've gotten that comment a lot in the last year or so - closer to 18 months, now that I think of it. 2013 sucked on a lot of levels, but the biggest issue was one that I'm pretty much forbidden from talking about (by both the court system, apparently, as well as my parents). But, at the same time, I feel it's my right to let it out. So without naming names or going into too much detail, here it goes. I've been wanting to talk about this for a long time.


Late in 2012 the cops came to our door looking for my younger sibling. Considering his track record, they pulled him in for questioning. My parents had been completely in the dark as to what he'd been up to - the sneaking out of the house at all hours of the night that was keeping me up wasn't a big enough red flag. His angry outbursts and threats to harm me and others around him wasn't a big enough red flag. They were stunned when they found out what he was being charged with.

I was just shocked with how I was going to be treated.

I became the fall person. I had absolutely nothing to do with the crimes he committed. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. But I became the "reason behind it". Because I didn't "love him enough" as his older sister. That I went away to college and was not around enough "forced" him to act out. This excuse came to light only after the courts didn't buy his "my parents never taught me right from wrong" crap. Gotta hand it to his lawyer, he tried everything to save his client's neck. To hell with the truth or the people it hurt.

His crimes are of the unspeakable kind, but because he was "under age" when they started, they ignored that they continued after he hit 18. The courts basically bent over backwards to protect HIM and not the victims or people around him. They slapped him on the wrist, and put him on probation mandating that he had to live with us. At the time I was running my business out of the house - my "family portrait studio" was no longer SAFE to be there.

We are a small town, news spread. They weren't rumors, they were true. Not only was he (rightfully) vilified, but so were my parents... and me. I lost ALL of my summer and fall business. I'm still trying to rebuild. I am still convinced that I will never be out from under it. Our last name is forever going to be tied to his crimes. And that pissed me off.

Still does.

Family and friends took sides. A lot of people that are friends with my parents bought into the sob story the boy told - and because they aren't allowed to know exactly what he did, and it was whitewashed by my family, I became though of as the unloving, selfish sister. That I wasn't ignoring what he did, or what he continued to do (the sneaking out continued until finally my parents couldn't turn a blind eye and turned him in to his PO), was the biggest sin a person could do. I should just forgive and forget was the message I got over and over. Nevermind he was STILL DOING IT... nevermind that he threatened me daily, coming at me with his fists several times, and spent several afternoons telling my mother in detail how he imagined he was going to beat me until I was bloodied and dead.

It was so bad that several times I ran to a friend's house just to get away. I stupidly always came back once dad came to the door with a hurt puppy expression promising things would change. They didn't until the cops once again came calling because someone broke the court mandated curfew and had no explanation for it.

He's been gone about 9 months now. There's talk that he'll be out soonish. I'm not looking forward to it. At this point I do not trust what I've been told as what it all means for me. EVERY time I was promised that I would be safe, that he would not be a threat, it was untrue. Every time something new came to light or he got into more trouble I became the fall person. I was either declared a liar, "mistaken", or it was my fault because I was "acting like a victim".

I don't trust that anything will be different because I haven't been shown anything that suggests that it will. His therapists demand that I talk to him - I refuse. So he has to send letters. They are pretty much textbook apologies. They are just words he's basically been fed, because they're words I've never heard him use. EVER. And it's all laced with the whole "maybe if you loved me better" theme that he played out all through his trials. There is nothing sincere about them. So I do not respond.

Yes, I think this is my right. No, I don't care to hear you tell me otherwise. Because you don't know the story, and because we have to protect the predator, you never will.

Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?...

Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who has... everything?!

I collect a few things, I could easily be a hoarder as I do put emotional attachment on most of my things. I get that from my mother, who got it from her mother. For as much as I tease mom about it, I definitely can see the signs within both of us! Haha!

I try very hard not to collect an insane amount of things, but what I do collect is good stuff! No trashy trinkets for me. And, unlike my fishy nonfriend referenced above, I know what they are and how to use them.

I have a collection of:

Mickey ears - dating back to my first pair I got in 1990 (though I think mom has that hoarded away somewhere, I haven't seen them in years). I typically get one to two pair each Disney trip. Though, come to think of it, I didn't get a new pair last year. I think because I was trying to conserve money knowing it was going to be tight all of 2014 and I was still trying to pay off the trip I was on! LOL

Disney Trading Pins - I buy a lanyard and fill it with pins on each trip. The pins never get traded. I am not going to spend the kind of money those things cost to then trade it for a pin I don't know the value of. Besides, each pin holds a memory with it. I get pins of the new rides we went on, or one that was particularly fun for whatever reason, if we stay on disney property I make sure to get a pin from the resort. That sort of thing. And I always look for a new Maleficent and Donald pin.

Steven Speilberg Movies - If I had my own house I'd have memorabilia, too. But I am building my movie collection of his as I can find them. I've blogged about my obsession before. I own movies of his I've only watched once and never opened my copy because I was emotionally scarred in some way after my first viewing. I will not be satisfied until my collection is complete!

Disney's Animated Classics - I don't have all of them, yet, as Disney likes to "vault" movies. If you count both DVD and VHS then yes, I have them all. I'm trying to get them all on DVD. Disney is not cooperating, though. I'm mainly focused on the animated films and Pixar. Anything more than that would break the bank, and most of the old school live action films they did aren't really my style.

Donald Duck - I've got several Donald Duck dolls, I've begun my figurine collection, a few other things. I love Donald... so this should come as no surprise. I really wish I had my own place so I could display it all!

Scrapbooking Supplies - I have a lot of scrapping supplies. Not just paper and stickers. I have tools and inspiration books... I LOVE to scrapbook. I don't do it as much as I really should. I need to finish my 2010 book so I can start Haille's 5th birthday book (kid's half way to nine and I haven't even begun her 5th bday book. I'm awful!)

Snowmen - This was something that started when my grandfather (mom's side) died. My aunt thought I needed all of my g'parents' Snowdens, so now everyone gets me snowmen. Wasn't really something I planned on collecting, but it makes for great winter/Christmas decor in the bathroom every year!


Collections down in the basement that I don't know what to do with - Star Wars, horses, etc... if I wasn't so lazy I could see a good garage sale in my future.


We're 57 days from Disneyland and I got our last ADR made this morning. Goofy's Kitchen for Aimee and Erin's birthday dinner! w00t!

What's in a name?

"Thoughts By Tonichelle", not all that original or creative. I couldn't come up with something quirky that fit what my blog would be - which was just basically the random thoughts that I would have in the years to come. This blog has had many things, with no real concise focus or theme. I'm sure it would drive most bloggers mad as it's just not a well thought out blog (I admit it).

All one has to do is look at my menu at the top of the page and can see that the topics I have are many and they ebb and flow as to how much I talk about any one topic. Speaking of which, I should really update those pages.

So is Tonichelle my real name? No. It's a combination of my first and middle name. I've been called Tonichelle since I was a toddler learning my name. I couldn't say my full name, it came out Tonichelle (Toni-shell) and it stuck. When creating my blog I went with Tonichelle so that it would click with my Twitter and message board accounts. Now it matches my twitter and instagram accounts as I really don't do anything on message boards anymore.



In other (read Disneyland 2014) news, I've booked our next two ADRs - one for all four of us for a breakfast at the Carnation Cafe (my favorite!), and the other is a table for two for Erin and Wess to get away and have a hot date. They're eating at Steakhouse 55. I have one more ADR to book tomorrow and then I'm done with that! Whew!

58 days to go, baby!

Most Proud Moment

Gee I'm having a hard time picking one. I'm not trying to be humble or any such nonsense... I just can't think of anything that I was super proud of myself for.

I think any time I taught Haille Rae something new and she was able to benefit from it would be it. Her teaching her friend/cousin/not sure what she is relationship wise Hailee Elizabeth all about Disneyland was definitely a proud moment for me. So many of the things that I'd told her the year before, she remembered/retained and then passed it on. Hearing her say "Mickey doesn't talk when he meets you because he has to save his voice for his shows and movies," warmed my heart (and kinda embarrassed me that she remembered I told her that).

I am so proud of that kid. It kills me I'm not able to spend more time with her. She's just the most awesome person.

Happy Birthday Disneyland!

Disneyland turns 59 today! 59 years of the Happiest Memories in the Happiest Place On Earth! And the really cool thing is - our countdown has hit 59 days! It's a sign! Haha!

Walt Disney opened his dream park to the world on July 17, 1955. They had their share of issues, rides breaking down, a jerk who counterfeited tons of tickets so that the park was over flowing, the concrete hadn't fully set so women in heels were sinking through... it was a mess. Critics believed it a failure. Well, just take a look at them now!

Next year marks Disneyland's Diamond Jubilee - 60 years of magic. And my Aunt wants to spend her 60th at Disneyland. So I might be headed that way a little sooner than I realized. So much for 2014 being the last trip for a while. Ha ha! (I'm not really complaining.) We'll see if it happens. A lot can change in a year.


In other Disneyland news - I made our first ADR today. We decided to go ahead and book a meal at Downtown Disney our first full day there. Aimee gets in in the afternoon so we're going for an early dinner at "Crossroads at House of Blues"! One ADR down, three more to go!

Tomorrow I get to book our breakfast at the Carnation Cafe! Mickey Waffles all around! w00t!

My Bucket List

The prompt today asked what was on the top of my bucket list. I've got the travel planning bug now because the top travel bucket list item is a road trip through New England focusing on the historic sites of the American Revolution. One of the things stopping me from going and doing it is that I don't drive in big cities or big bridges... and no one I know wants to take this trip with me. *sad face*

I am a huge US History nerd. I fell in love with the subject in 8th grade in Mr. Summer's "Origins of US Democracy" class. He really made history come alive and I'm forever grateful to him. I'd always loved learning about the Civil War and Lincoln, but it wasn't until his class that I really paid attention to the Founding Men and Women of our Nation. Sons of Liberty, George Washington, the First Continental Congress, stamp acts, tea acts, tyranny, terrorism. It was a wild time to be alive!

Anyway I'm now looking up different places and trying to come up with a time frame on how and when to do this. Yup. Trip Planning is an obsession of mine.

I know I definitely want to do DC (yes I know it's not Revolutionary, but while I'm over that way...), Boston, Philadelphia, "Old New York", etc...

With what little reasearch I've done so far I really like this suggested touring plan - http://www.discovernewengland.org/driving-tours/colonial-history-i/colonial-history-ii-tour/ at least for part of the time.

Gah, now I have no desire to do anything but research this trip that isn't even going to happen for a few years yet! Dang!

A day in the life of Tonichelle...

So what does my typical day look like? Well, let's see... (prepare to be extremely bored)

Between 7am & 8am (if I'm lucky) - I wake up. This is normally me grumbling about the light that manages to get through the mounds of curtains and blinds that I have to black out my room. I'll typically lay their for a few minutes hoping I fall back to sleep for a few more minutes (rarely if ever happens), and then I unplug my phone from the charger, and let the dog out of my room.

Next stop is the bathroom where I blast my iPod and try to wake up. Typically a long shower does the trick... if not I have been known to just stare at the sink trying to figure out why I even bothered getting up. The iPod helps because I have an ecclectic taste in music and when you set it on random it can really be entertaining with what it comes up with for a playlist.

Next it's back to my cave to get on facebook/twitter/my blog and stare at the screen - still trying to wake up (it happens in stages). I catch up with my East Coast friends, stalk a few actors/athletes on twitter, and figure out what - if anything - I'm going to write in my blog. Chances are I won't actually get anything out on my blog for hours, but I at least get it started by staring at the screen.

After about an hour or so of trying to wake up I'll go out to the kitchen and get some toast or leftovers from dinner. Depends on how hungry I am. Sometimes I skip breakfast entirely. Just depends on how loud the tummy growls. I almost always end up with a Sprite or an OJ to start my day, though. Though lately I've stuck to water...

Around 10am I start to move about and if I have errands to run I do. If not I am typically over to the church to hang out with Kassy (she works, I vent/gripe/come up with hairbrained ideas). If it's later in the week I have the church computer to get it ready for Sunday services (music lyrics and any other multimedia we need shared that week).

Actually I'm not the only one that complains. Typically Kassy whines about being cold, or that it's cold outside, or both. Doesn't matter if it's winter or summer. That girl is ALWAYS cold. Typically we are reorganizing, or creating things to keep occupied. It's a pretty simple job for Kassy, so it means we can get crazy creative in the "spare time". We've painted rooms, reorganized rooms, deep cleaned rooms. Moved rooms. We take pride in what we do... or at least we get bored and need to do something.

Sometimes Delaney is there at the office and that makes things more interesting. Trying to do anything with a four year old underfoot means things take way longer. That's why I'm an "auntie" and not a parent. I wouldn't survive!

Once Kassy's done for the day I take off for home - it's lunch time! It's more leftovers or a sandwich. Maybe mac and cheese... whatever I feel like really.

Then it's back to the computer. If I've had a photoshoot I'm editing, otherwise it's just facebook and what not. I really have no life, and I'm okay with that. I also start my binge watching of a favorite TV show, or a movie marathon.

I've recently become more active on my twitter account, it's been fun to interact with friends that way - and actors/athletes/celebs. I blame my Once Upon A Time obsession for that one. The cast is just so entertaining on social media!

Dinner is normally around 6:30pm and then it's back to watching my favorite shows (in the regular season) otherwise it's Netflix or a movie.

And then, it's back to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. And, really, it's more Netflix as I don't sleep without some sort of white noise. And so it's normally Terriers, or CSI New York, or Arrow to cap off the night. On occasion I'll switch to Law & Order, or SVU.

And that's a typical day.


61 days till Disneyland.

If I won the lottery...

Not sure how I'd win the lottery since we don't have one here in Alaska, number 1, and number 2 I don't have a whole lot of money to throw away at something so lame. But it's the daily prompt so I'll try to play along. (besides it's a good excuse to find and use MRJ gifs ha ha)

It would really depend on what the prize was that I won. With my luck I'd win a quarter. But if I won the jackpot of a bajillion dollars the break down would be pretty simple.

I'd pay off the credit cards (not that I don't already, but my Alaska Air card has a continual balance these days...), pay off my parents house (it's close enough that I wouldn't feel the pinch), pay off my truck - sell it - and then get a Ford Escape. Then I'd most definitely buy some primo land on the Kenai River and build me a two story home. "Spare no expense."

I'd also join the Disney Vacation Club (their version of a timeshare). I mean, this is the first thing I'd probably do if I'm being honest with myself. I'd be getting a timeshare so quickly that I wouldn't have time to think about my other options/obligations! LOL

Oh and with my external hard drive crashing on me and none of my files being retrievable... yeah... I'm gonna go with I want a super duper computer system that can't crash no matter what I do. There has to be one available somewhere?!

So, that's some of what I'd do with my Lottery Money that I will never win but it's nice to dream.

Disneyland 2014 Tentative Itinerary

It's still a work in progress, can't really be sure what we're going to do time wise until we get the ADRs set and the park hours 

September 14, 2014 –Travel Day!!!
Fly into SoCal

September 15, 2014 – Lazy Day and Disney!
Erin gets her feet done tour parks after
Aimee arrives ~ 2pm-ish
Early Dinner @ DTD?  - 

September 16, 2014 – Disneyland!!!
Breakfast @ Carnation Café (Mickey Waffle!)  

Tour parks
Erin & Wess - dinner date

September 17, 2014 – Disneyland Birthdays! (Aimee & Erin)
Early Dinner @ Goofy’s Kitchen for bday girls

September 18, 2014 – Beach & Hollywood
Pick up Rental Car early.
Hollywood first? Beach?

September 19, 2014 -- Disneyland

September 20, 2014 – San Diego Zoo (Aimee leaves :’()

September 21, 2014 – Universal Studios
BubbaGump Lunch/Dinner

September 22, 2014 – Disneyland

September 23, 2014 – Travel Day :’(

5 days till I can make our first ADR. 63 days till we head to DLR.

Earliest Memory

I'm not sure how many people remember earlier than maybe age 5... I can barely remember anything past yesterday half the time! So many can remember great details of their childhood, but mine are sporadic. It bums me out. Either I wasn't paying attention or my life has just always been boring. Ha ha.

My first memory, though, is from when I was about 18-20 months old. I'm not sure exactly when. I have a memory of flashy lights and a face looking at me through a car window. I have had this recurring memory for years before finally asking my parents if it meant anything to them. Dad immediately knew.

When the memory occurred, dad was driving me to my g'parents' house before going to work. He pulled to the side of the road because he was having chest pains and thought he was having a heart attack. This was before the days of cell phones, so thankfully a cop was waved over (I don't remember the story well enough to remember how) and they got dad help. Problem was when they went to get me out of the car to transport me to where I needed to be I threw more than a fit. Apparently I was traumatized! Just them coming to the car door had me flipping out.

They contacted my mom and she had to come get me.

I still have nightmares involving it from time to time. So obviously it made an impact. So that's my first memory.

So yesterday I went fishing with my dad and his friends. Caught a Sockeye (dad and his buddy limited out though). It's still early for the second run of reds, but we had a good time. Until the boat died on us and we floated dangerously down the river. Had several boats pull up alongside and offer assistance, problem was none of their boats were big enough to tow us where we needed to go. So dad called his buddies that had just flown into Alaska to come bail us out. Dan, Cary, and Rick are literal lifesavers! I owe them cookies!

Other than that, no real news or exciting things going on. Still waiting to see if Hi Speed Gear was able to save my external hard-drive or not. If they can't I'm screwed. So I'm sure Monday will suck as that's when they'll no doubt give me the bad news.

Oh well, 63 days till Disneyland.